Where did the last four months go?
We celebrated Christmas at our house with our girls and it was perfect! No rushing, little chaos, cinnamon rolls. It was good!

It was the next day that we found ourselves in the emergency room with two sick babies. Hayden was hospitalized for 3 days with pneumonia and it was awful. While Hayden was in the hospital – I got my initial order of LuLaRoe! Hundreds of glorious items….. sitting… waiting to be opened. Finally we got home! Hayden getting stronger each day and suddenly Madison getting worse. Pneumonia. Luckily we got her on antibiotics soon enough to avoid the hospital again. I started my LuLaRoe Business and was having a blast!

A week or two and we were all healthy again and we got word on January 20 that we were LICENSED!!! We were so excited. And nervous. But mostly excited. We needed car seats. And beds. Yay for procrastinating!!

Then… Tuesday January 24 I woke up feeling off. Just, off, you know? I didn’t feel sick, I knew it was something else… Something we’d been hoping for. So I took a test. Bam. Positive! I was stoked. And shocked. And like, “what the hell were we thinking?” Our two girls, foster babes AND a newborn? Surely we were crazy. I decided to do something a little different to tell Sean. With Hayden and Madison we took the tests together. But I knew this would probably be our last little babe so I thought I’d make it special. I recorded a little of myself and my jumbled, spastic and excited thoughts and then Sean’s reaction when I gave him this little sign with the number 5.. (I would post it but that would mean I would need to watch it again to edit and put it in here.. And that’s just not going to happen right now.)

We were so excited.

We started getting calls for placement, the third one, at 11pm on the 26th was for our two foster babes that we have now. 4 year old D and 2 year old A. They arrived a little after midnight, sound asleep… and I slept on the living room floor with them for the rest of night. They woke up that next day like they’d always been there. No fear. No hesitation. Straight to the toys! I made a post about our new babes on Facebook and could literally feel our friends and families prayers… their support. We had people dropping things at our house, going shopping for our little babes, sending gift cards. Our village kicks major butt. We settled in pretty nicely and things were (are)loud!
Here’s a link to a little update I did on our Foster Care journey ​(https://youtu.be/cASAqrjMGlc)

We were hustling. Stuff was crazy and we had planned a trip to California for Hayden’s birthday. We had a blast celebrating our girls 4th birthday!!! And. Bonus. We didn’t lose anyone! lol

When we got home it was back to reality and back to the hustle. Sean was kicking business booty – as he always does, I was working my normal Job, working my new LuLa business, we were managing a house and four small children. We were dealing with behaviors, lots of appointments and trying to get responses from people who have a hundred other cases they are dealing with.

Our days were flying by.. until one night, I don’t care to remember the date, I started spotting. I knew but Sean kept his cool. The next day Sean had a DRs appointment that required me to drive him home from and I had gone from spotting to bleeding. A lot. I was numb. Literally.. physically.. numb. My best friend – because she’s an absolute angel – came over to watch all the kids and that night I was in the ER on doctors (and husbands) orders… I was angry and hurt and broken. Angry that I was in an ER bed, having to listen to someone tell me something, crassly, what I already knew was happening. Angry that I had to do an ultrasound that would show no “remains of conception”, bloodwork with low HCG levels. Hours spent in a hospital bed, for what? Why?

I was just angry. I’m still just angry. I’m still numb. I’m caught between trying to remain thankful for the tiny little people I’ve been entrusted with and feeling as though my heart is being ripped out of my chest every time I look at my 1 year old daughter and think what I will miss with my baby I never got to meet.

With our girls we announced at 8 weeks. And here we were 10 weeks along, and nobody knew that our baby was gone. Nobody even knew they existed. How terrible that feeling is… To be grieving so deeply for someone and nobody even knew they existed.

So here I am to say. We were expecting our precious baby #3 on September 24th 2017. They were loved and prayed for and they are missed deeply, every single second of the day.

I’m sure I’ll write more soon but right now I just feel like crying.